Ludwig and James
Healing Through Music
Those of us who are survivors of suicide loss seek answers to our many, many, many questions wherever we can find them. Music has been such an important part of my life that it was the first place I went.
What I found was familiar pieces affected me in a completely different way. Also, time and genres fell away. So many artists go to a place we will never know and come back with powerful insights and emotion. They show you the way!
The painful part which will never go away is that my loved one, John, didn’t find his way back. However, I have a new appreciation for those who got to the end of their tether and found a way out.
The following stories of two of my favorite composers are very similar yet they lived two centuries apart. It shows how although things change, so many things remain the same.
Of course, not everyone achieves the greatness of these two men, but artists have always been there to share their pain and help explain for those who are unable.
May be the first time played in front of an audience just after it was released.
Fire and Rain
James Taylor struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in high school when his family dramatically fractured. His father’s pressure to follow the family’s profession into medicine along with his alcoholism had a painful effect on his sensitive son.
A teacher showing interest and concern suggested James be admitted into an innovative mental hospital for over a year which he called a “lifesaver” where he could break away and follow music.
Unfortunately, after he was released, he found heroin in New York while working with his band The Flying Machine.
When everything fell apart, he called his father who drove up from North Carolina to gather him up and bring him home. After cleaning up, he went to London and as if in a dream, managed an audition with The Beatles and was signed with Apple Records. He recorded his first album even though addiction had returned.
One night a friend shared with him that his close friend Suzanne Schnerr from his time in NYC had taken her life. Everyone had kept it from him for 6 months while he was recording, fearing his reaction.
He found he was stronger than he thought - he turned to music - he started writing Fire and Rain.
The first verse is about Suzanne, the second is about his struggles in rehab after he returned home and the last verse about fame and moving forward. It became his breakthrough song.
It’s songs like that, written from such a deep, raw place that resonate with so many people. I had heard it all of my life but finally, I got it.
“I would carry that song with me for the next year or so, then that song would carry me for the rest of my life”
James had been through so much by the time he was twenty that he had so much to express in his music. Other young artists of his age whom I worked with sang about how good or bad life was but really had no idea what they were singing about. James was already singing with the conviction of a singer much older than himself. Everything that he had already been through was evident in his songwriting.—Peter Asher, Taylor's manager
“Gratitude is the right attitude and I’ll probably end with that platitude”
Finding a way to channel the pain through his music became the answer. A six-time Grammy Award winner, he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2000. He is one of the best-selling music artists of all time, having sold more than 100 million records worldwide. His music speaks to something in all of us.
After learning all of this about him, I saw him at the Hollywood Bowl and it was a very moving, beautiful concert. (For a more detailed account of his amazing life, I highly recommend his audible book Break Shot - My First 21 Years click HERE)
Meanwhile, 200 years before…
Ludwig Van Beethoven also suffered from depression at a young age. His father was the epitome of the “stage Dad” wanting to make a name for his child prodigy (similar to Mozart’s dad) and unfortunately, abusive.
By the time he was 22, he was living in Vienna. Both of his parents had died as well as Mozart and he felt pressure to replace him as a composer. He began self-medicating with alcohol to help him cope. As he began to see success, he started losing his hearing.
He moved to Heiligenstadt when he was 32 to come to terms with his hearing loss. During this dark time, he wrote a letter to his brothers called the Heiligenstadt Testament that was never sent and found after his death.
It that letter he confessed his despair, feeling that God was finished with him and he should end his misery. If he couldn’t hear, how could he continue?
After much anguish he decided that if he was still alive, his life still mattered. His life was not for him to take. It was God’s decision and he would persevere.
I compared some of the lyrics from Fire and Rain to the Heiligenstadt Testament
Taylor:
Won't you look down upon me, Jesus?
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way
Beethoven:
Divine One thou lookest into my inmost soul,
thou knowest it, thou knowest that love of man and
desire to do good live therein.
Taylor:
Been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the sun
Lord knows, when the cold wind blows
It'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line
To talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground
Beethoven:
Patience — it is said that I must now choose for my guide,
I have done so, I hope my determination will remain firm to endure
until it please the inexorable (destiny) to break the thread,
perhaps I shall get better, perhaps not, I am prepared.
Forced already in my 28th year to become a philosopher, O it is not easy,
less easy for the artist than for anyone else
The Symphony No. 9 in D Minor, op. 125
Beethoven composed a total of 722 works in 45 years. 22 years after his letter, he premiered The Symphony No. 9 in D Minor in Vienna to a full theater. The first time a composer combined a symphony orchestra with a chorus.
By then he had been almost completely deaf for at least 10 years (he was still able to distinguish low tones and sudden loud sounds).
At the premiere he shared the stage with another conductor whom the musicians actually followed. When it finished, he was several measures behind and the Soprano, Caroline Unger, turned him to see the audience’s reaction.
According to the critic for the Theater-Zeitung, "the public received the musical hero with the utmost respect and sympathy, listened to his wonderful, gigantic creations with the most absorbed attention and broke out in jubilant applause, often during sections, and repeatedly at the end of them. The audience acclaimed him through standing ovations five times; there were handkerchiefs in the air, hats, and raised hands, so that Beethoven, who they knew could not hear the applause, could at least see the ovations.”
It is said that after the premiere the world of music was never the same. (Have you listened to all of it? Click HERE)
It is the most played symphony in the history of music.
Minneapolis 2015 - Most famous part - Ode to Joy -Remember Flash Mobs? Hope they come back!
Lyrics from Ode to Joy
Gladly, as His suns fly
through the heavens' grand plan
Go on, brothers, your way,
Joyful, like a hero to victory.
Be embraced, Millions!
This kiss to all the world!
Brothers, above the starry canopy
There must dwell a loving Father.
Are you collapsing, millions?
Do you sense the creator, world?
Seek him above the starry canopy!
Above stars must He dwell.
We all know that if they had chosen to take their lives, it would have been a horrible tragedy. We can all see looking back that the world would have lost so much beauty! Many people were involved in their lives to help and encourage them to heal through their music.
Anyone who is a suicide loss survivor will always believe it is a horrible decision. Even though we all hopefully, come to a place where we understand our loved one was in pain and they couldn't move forward, it never completely resolves.
A painful irony is that in many cases, a person feels they will be too much of a burden on their family. Here they would be wrong.
Those contemplating taking their life need to know that the burden of helping them find their way back is a blessing compared to the burden of surviving their suicide.
If you or anyone you know has contemplated taking this very final act on your life please consider the following:
1) Explore everything you can to put yourself back on your feet. Talk to someone who cares and tell them how you feel. Depression can seem like it will never let go - it will - there is a way out. Our darkest of times is when we need to connect with others the most! You are NOT a burden!
2) Taking your life leaves the people around you to suffer for the rest of their lives. It’s a terrible suffering for someone you love - something they can’t ever fix.
3) Don’t underestimate your value in the world! It may not be your life to take! You are a part of the immortal fabric and you just may not have figured out your purpose yet. (Watch THIS if you need to hear more!)
Help is available - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 800-273-8255
Always Remember!!
“You’ve Got a Friend”
James Taylor’s good friend Carole King wrote it as an answer to “Fire and Rain”
